One of the greatest humorists of our time is Garrison Keillor. The following are excerpts from one of his commentaries entitled Defining United Methodists.
“We make fun of Methodists for their blandness, their excessive calm, their fear of giving offense, their lack of speed and also for their secret fondness for macaroni and cheese.
I do believe this: these Methodists…are the sort of people you could call up when you’re in deep distress. If you are dying, they will comfort you. If you are lonely, they’ll talk to you. And if you are hungry, they’ll give you tuna salad!
Methodists believe in prayer, but would practically die if asked to pray out loud.
Methodists like to sing, except when confronted with a new hymn with more than four stanzas.
Methodists believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital, even if they don’t notify them that they are there.
Methodists usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.
Methodists believe in miracles and even expect miracles, especially during their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.
Methodists drink coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.
Methodists feel guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception in the Fellowship Hall.
Methodists are willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at church.
Methodists will serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color of the season and think that peas in a tuna noodle casserole add too much color.
Methodists believe it OK to poke fun at themselves and never take themselves too seriously.
And finally, you know you are a Methodist when:
It is 100 degrees with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the service.
You hear something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as you can.
Donuts are a line item in the church budget, just like coffee.
When you watch a Star Wars movie and they say, “May the force be with you,” and you respond, “And also with you.”
And lastly, it takes ten minutes to say goodbye!”
Does this sound like anyone you know?
